i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh … And eyes big love-crumbs,
and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you so quite new
— E. E. Cummings
(2) im allowed to blame him. im allowed to say he did that to me. i never got an apology for the lies….he just said he “didn’t mean to” and lied over the top again, but if he didn’t mean to be misleading, why blatantly lie…right? he was like “imagine how you’d be in a relationship” i wish he understood how would i be like that in a relationship where a guy actually wants me and doesn’t treat me like shit. he’ll never see me for what i’m actually like because he never met me without all that.
I’m really sorry that happened to you, and he sounds like a bit of a dickhead. I don’t know whether it’s objectively right or wrong for you to have told the girl, but it sounds like you feel guilty and did it from negative emotions rather than noble motives. It’s hard to see the complexity of other people’s perspectives (the fundamental attribution error: ‘I do bad things due to circumstances; others do the same things from character flaws’) and it seems like there’s a lot of that going on here. But I’m not saying we should pan off all responsibility onto circumstances; we have free will (or at least free won’t) so should admit to doing the wrong thing.
Of course, he did by far the worse thing, and doesn’t seem to want to either own up to it or apologise. Too bad for him. If he won’t let you back in there’s not much you can do about it except realise he’s probably not such a great person and doesn’t deserve your company. In more practical terms: stop talking to him.
What are we ‘actually’ like? Aren’t we actually like exactly what we actually do? Why are we our real selves when happy and not ourselves when in distress? Surely the same self grounds both these conditions, and if we’d cave to resentment or bend to temptation that’s exactly who we are—the saving grace being we can change who we are by constantly seeing our faults and seeking to better ourselves. Whoever you are, I hope you have a happier and more flourishing future.
Now from his breast into his eyes the ache
of longing mounted, and he wept at last,
his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sunwarmed earth is longed for by a swimmer
spent in rough water where his ship went down
under Poseidon’s blows, gale winds and tons of sea.
Few men can keep alive through the big surf
to crawl, clotted with brine, on kindly beaches
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind:
and so she too rejoiced, her gaze upon her husband,
her white arms round him pressed as though forever.
— Homer’s “The Oddyssey”, translated by Robert Fitzgerald